The M Ways

I spent this afternoon with the girls making our favorite Purple Yam (or is it purple sweet potatoes?) steam buns. While at it, we went into a deep conversation about schools.

It is clearly a challenge for both girls, but particularly for Ratih as a high schooler. She has to be at school by 6.30am, which means she has to wake up at 5.25ish. The lesson normally finishes at 3pm and so she will arrive back home at 4ish. Then, she needs to do her homework – and there are lots of them. She sometimes finishes very late into the night. By the time she goes to bed, she is exhausted.

There is also an issue about different subjects that she must take, about friends and teachers, and of course about grades. She has always been a serious student and she always strives to get good grades – which I think most students do. But, as it happens, the reality does not always meet her expectations.

I tried to recall my own experience when she tells this. I think I went through the same phase, but I did not feel it to be so bad. So, instead of dismissing her challenge, I tried to figure out how to help her.

I did not always have this same view. I used to take it really hard when she struggles. I feel for her and I think that I must solve her problems – which in the end is not always possible until recently when I read the book “The Courage to be Disliked” by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga.

In one of the chapters, the authors mentioned parents’ duties toward their children. Sometimes, parents unknowingly, force their desire on their children – for example, by forcing them to study, setting them to go to a certain study program, telling them to take a certain profession, and many more.

The authors are against this view. They said that parents should not force their children to study because it is not their task. They introduced the concept of “Separation of Task” which means that the task belongs to the person who will benefit from the task. We should not intrude on other people’s tasks, even if the person is our children or family. Studying is the child’s task since they will benefit from it. Forcing a child to study is intruding on the child’s task and is often caused by the parent’s own desire not to be embarrassed by their grades. They continue to say that as a parent, our task is to assist our children to do their tasks and build a trusting relationship.

When I read this, I was really taken aback. So far, I never have had serious problems with both girls. They always take their study seriously, although I may not always agree with their approach. But, I do worry that they are not happy with the process and results.

Taking the perspective of Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga, worrying would not help either. I should focus on my task to provide full support and assistance to both my girls in navigating their school years. I hope I will do a good job on this. With this in mind, my load is a little less.

“From here on this is not my task” — discard other people’s tasks and lighten your load.

The Courage to be Disliked – Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga